A Chichewa Guide to the "Chichewa Guide For Tourists"

So there's this book. It's a little thing, a booklet really. On the cover is a long-haired, bearded azungu wearing shades, and next to him is a Malawian fellow holding a clay pot. The two are clearly haggling over the price. The name of this book is "Chichewa Guide For Tourists."

For the most part, the book is innocuous enough. A few tips on courtesy here and there (calling "Odi" or "Zikomo" to ask for leave of way when crossing somebody on a path, that sort of thing). There are a few short guides to common conversations (booking a room, asking directions, and so forth). But every now and then, we find something that's just special.

Here's an excerpt from page 21:

"...it must be mentioned that for the visitor it is necessary and, indeed, wise to avoid abusing elderly people and women."

You don't say! What else have you got - oh, let's say on page 39?

"Most utensils bear the Chichewa version of the English words, and any good servant will understand them without difficulty."

Nice. That's classy. I wonder if you have any good Chichewa conversation tips for us!

- Mnyamata, tabweretsani tiyi.
- Inde, bwana.

This little "slice of life" conversation is translated for us in the book as follows: "Young man, bring us some tea, will you?" "Yes, sir."

Almost. That's almost what it says. Except that mnyamata really doesn't mean "young man." It most definitely means "boy." Yes, "boy." As in, "Boy, fetch me some tea." Also, bwana does not mean "sir." That would be bambo. Bwana means "boss." Or "master."

The Chichewa Guide For Tourists, ladies and gentlemen!